Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
You Might Also Like
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down