I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
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My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Breaking news:
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93