Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
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Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
How all things should be taught/explained.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.