Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
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[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions