“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
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wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
What the hell happened in there??
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…