If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
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if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.