So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
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I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting