Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
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My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not