[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
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In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.