“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
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You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.