My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
You Might Also Like
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief