Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
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Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Beauty and the Beast
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours