car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
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Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.