Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
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Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Sing it!
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”