I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
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I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.