The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
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Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.