God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
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Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
That’s incredible! 👌
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.