going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
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The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled