Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
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My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.