Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
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KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers