Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
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*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.