It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
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I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*