I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
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*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
very niche meme I made
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now