I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
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Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
They’re on their honeymoon
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*