A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
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I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
True?
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.