“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
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Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
No Google it does not
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!