The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
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ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Mad Max Arctic Road
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls