Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
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If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Finally! 😈
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.