Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
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Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
What do you hear?
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.