I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
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If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.