Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
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Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Still my favourite meme.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
This is hilarious….