i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
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When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.