no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
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wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Doctors texting each other.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
😬