#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
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[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
wishing you and yours all the best
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her