“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
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Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Meanwhile in Canada…
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.