INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
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H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.