Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
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Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands