Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
You Might Also Like
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.