If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
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*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab