“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
You Might Also Like
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
I’m giving up ice.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I did not eat the cake…
I think the cat got the dog high.