FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
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Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate