Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
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I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him