Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
You Might Also Like
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
i’m sure it’s fine
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee