Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
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I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
In banana years, I am bread.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!