My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
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everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
hackers play passwordle
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
hey, alexa
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
who will stop them
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*