Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
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ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
This chloroform smells expensiv…