Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
You Might Also Like
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
“i am a sweet baby”
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out