Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
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I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’