mood
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reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
your honor my client chooses dare
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.