Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
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Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
I am crying
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.